General Conference Spring 2009

Today I was able to listen to and enjoy conference. I really enjoyed the talks and found what the leaders of the church had to say very timely, for myself as well as for those I am close to. One talk in particular was full of lessons that I really need to focus and learn from.

This was the talk given by Dallin H. Oaks. He touched on so many different things, that I am going to have to go through and really study what he said and make some personal goals for improvement on.

The main message was about being service centered instead of self-centered. This is something that always seems to creep back into my life until I am unhappy and so aware of it because I’m thinking about myself so much that of course I’m aware of it. When I serve others is when I am truly happy and feel peace in my heart and balance in my life.

Another of the messages from his talk was to live by what the Gospel teaches and not by what the world accepts. This too is something that I find myself struggling with; even if the world is within the members of the Gospel. What I mean is that I still want acceptance from others, in or outside of the church, while my focus should be on my commitment to my Savior and His acceptance of my choices. This is not the first time that I have learned this lesson from Elder Oaks…See the following journal entry for a much more personal lesson from him.

Feb. 5th 2006

Dear Journal,

You’re never going to believe this – today we got to church on time – shocked already? It gets better. So I’m thinkin’ we’re all that, getting to church before the bell rings and all so we walk in and go up to the very front of the chapel, well the second row, but nobody was sitting right in front of us, so it felt very front row.

We get seated with our bags of goods, you know, slim jims, fruit snacks, granola bars, cereal bars, water bottles, paper dolls, books, magnets, find the item in the bag of bird seed, crayons, paper, etc. you know just the basics to get through 1 ½ hours of sacrament with my kids, nothing too excessive. Yikes, I’m embarrassed just reliving what I’ve been bringing to church for I don’t know how long – thank goodness I had enough sense to say no to the game boy, of course there still was the time Luke snuck in his talking Napoleon Dynamite keychain, anyways . . . I think you get the picture.

So back to “we get seated” and I look up and sitting there on the stand right in front of my reverent and spiritual little family is a guy who I am pretty sure is important. I looked at him then I looked at Mark like “Is that?” I looked at him then Mark “It is.” I looked at him then thought at Mark, “Curse you for sitting in the front row.” Then I tried to calm myself down, “No, Heidi, it’s not an apostle, it’s not probably Dallin H. Oaks. It’s probably somebody from the stake.” I blinked hard then opened my eyes and looked at him again. I knew that he was not someone from the stake. I could feel his authority and it testified that he was an apostle of God and I thought, “There’s no way that he is not probably Dallin H. Oaks, an apostle of the Lord facing me and my family just a few feet away for 1 ½ hours of sacrament.” Time for damage control. I’ve seen apostles before but never this close up, not where they could actually see me.

I leaned over to Kelsey and Luke and told them, “Today we need to be extra reverent. We’re not going to do snacks and water, just coloring and not till after the sacrament.” Now I tried to relay this message in the, “and Mom means it” voice but with a loving kind and gentle Disney princess expression on my face. I could tell already that they weren’t buying the voice without the expression. They rarely buy the combo.

The kids are good for maybe 2 minutes when Kelsey decides that she’s thirsty and pulls out the water bottle and I’m like, “I need you to wait till after the sacrament to get anything out and you will just have to wait till the break to get a drink.” Mean voice, Disney face, no go.

So Kelsey throws her pouting self over the back of the bench in front of us and I felt like shrinking in the presence of the representative of the Lord. What does this say about my state of preparation for the second coming of Christ? I was actually grateful when Baby Courtney started to fuss and I could shrink away into the foyer.

So next I’m sitting in the foyer when who comes wandering out but my 7 year old who I’m sure can go 1½ hour at school without a drink. I guess her Dad allowed her to leave during the passing of the sacrament to get a drink – men! She smiles smugly at me as she gets her drink and then goes into the bathroom. I’m not in the state of mind to take the sacrament so guess who is getting a little talking to in the nursing lounge.

I sat Kelsey down and tried to explain who our visitor was at church. I tried to remind her about General conference. Blank stare. I tried to remind her about the men that Jesus was always with when he was on the earth. Blank stare. So in one last attempt I explained that there was Heavenly Father and Jesus then the closest man to them was the Prophet and this guy was a couple of guys after the prophet. She understood that a little better.

I think one of the things that was so upsetting to me is that it wasn’t my children’s fault. It was my fault. They were just doing what they’d done every week. I was the one who had been bringing the backpack for I don’t know how long. I could see it now. Next General Conference there would be a talk about not having picnics during sacrament. It was no one’s fault but my own.

My girls and I walked back into the chapel and the kids were ok the rest of the time, there was one small argument about magnet paper doll girl and Kelsey did start sobbing at one point because I had made her feel bad about the whole drink fiasco which I’m sure got people wondering what form of torture I used on her in the nursing room, but all in all, with my constant monitoring of the situation, it went ok.

When sacrament closed Mark was so excited and eager to go up with the kids and shake hands with an apostle of the Lord. He asked me if I wanted to go up too. Thanks but no thanks, I’ve been working for 1½ hours at being invisible, why go and ruin that now? So I sat in my seat watching many members enjoying the presence of the apostle and I just sat there sheepishly and thought, “There are going to be some changes going on in the church bag and we will be having one of those overhaul Family Home Evenings tomorrow night.”

I watched the apostle shake hands with the members as he worked his way across the stage and started down the aisle. As he got to the row where I was sitting he came over to me and he shook my hand with a warm smile and an apologetic expression he asked me to please apologize to the Sunday school teacher for the delay that he had caused with the class and that he was sorry that he had to leave before the class.

As he shook my hand I was touched by his kind demeanor and by his loving eyes and right then I realized that I had missed the point. I thought of the story of Mary and Martha and how the one sister had spent the whole time that the Savior was at her home cleaning and fussing and not enjoying and learning from the Lord. I was guilty of this. I was so worried about how I looked that I didn’t even enjoy this amazing opportunity to be sitting so close to an apostle of the Lord.

So what did I learn, well, I learned that today is the day to prepare for the coming of the Lord, because I tell you what, those kids cannot be expected to change on the spot and we saw an ugly side of me trying to make them. Also that when I’ve done my best I need to let it go and allow the Lord to help me with the rest. I also need to keep my priorities straight and recognize that when I get caught up in appearances I miss the whole point of life and that is to feel the love and spirit of the Lord. This may be either when there is an apostle in the midst and I’m trying to control my family or when I spend a larger part of my life obsessing over my house, making sure I look ok or that my kids look just right rather than focusing on the light of Christ that can be found and enjoyed in so many ways. I am grateful for this eye opening experience and I pray that I will do much better from now on!

Well, I’m off to prepare a Family Home Evening lesson, about sacrament reverence and who the apostles are. Wish me luck.

Love,
Heidi

(Yes, I really do write Dear Journal and Love, Heidi…I’m thinking that this is kind of cheesy…but how else would I do it?)